10.31.09 - Halloween..

... will not be celebrated by me this year, again, thanks to band. :'(
Looks like I'm not dressing up until senior year.
Oh, well, at least it's BOA. Bands of America..
Looking forward to SOUVENIR SHOPPING. and FULL RETREAT :)
I think I'm gonna buy a BETTER necklace. & a BOA regional shirt. maybe a flute jacket. lol
I WILL MAKE FRIENDS WITH OTHER BANDS TODAY >:(
because BOA Regionals & WBA champs are probably the last times I will see some of these people.
Cause of Indy next year (WHOOT WHOOT~)
but then again, idk. ahahah.
ganna meet up with Nicole Anne Solis on the 50, probably. hahaha.
also gotta buy Ryan souvenirs cause he's sick :(
I've taken the privilege of calling myself his band mommy. hahahahah. XD

ANYWAYS, I should leave the house in an hour. Still haven't gotten dressed.
I woke up at 7:30am this morning, unable to go back to sleep.
So I played Yakuza Lords on Facebook. It's actually pretty addicting. XD
Yeah, I'm a loser. :) So suck it up & deal with it!

I want fried zuccini. LOL.

Dear God, I hope we win Sweepstakes & e v e r y t h i n g today.
The seniors are gonna cry if they don't get their 4th medal.
I don't wanna disappoint them :(
I might cry, but not as much as them.
If not, please let it be the BEST freaking run we have so far, that even if we don't win first, we can still go home with our heads held up high and say that we did our best.

Remember guys, OUTSIDE HASHES. (if there's two)
lol, idk, that's the first thing that popped into my head.

So.. wish us luck.

LET'S GO, AYALA!

Unstable.

I don't know what's up with me.



It's like.. I'm perfectly fine.
But then again, I'm not.
I'm more than content with what I'm feeling..
but then again, I'm not.
I think I'm happy..
but am I really?

I don't know. I feel lost, unsatisfied, unclear, foggy..
but at the same time, I feel like I have everything under control.

My feelings are in check.. but am I right?
am I in the right place?

It's confusing sometimes. I can't sort out my feelings.
I want to laugh. I want to cry.
But it's like.. I can't figure out what to do. or why.

Am I messed up? or am I seeing clarity for the first time?
I don't know. I don't know anymore.

The walls are closing in on me.

I'm praying. But.. for what?

There's something missing, even though I've gained experience and wisdom.
Am I moving forward? Am I static?

Am I doing something good?
or was it just another impulsive, feel-good moment?

Did I make the right choice?
or did I just make the biggest mistake of my high school life?

I don't know. I don't know.

It feels like I'm falling apart, but at the same time, I could be getting stronger?
It makes no sense. No sense at all.

What's wrong with me?

Am I destroying myself?
No, I am eating.
No, I am average weight.
Yes, I am sleeping.

Then why does it feel like there's something wrong? Something missing.

It doesn't make sense.

It's right. It's wrong.

Dear God, help me figure it out.

Is it fear?
Anxiety? Paranoia?

If I let something go, will I regret for the rest of my life?
But if I hold on too tight, the reins will only leave bruising marks on my palms, muscles aching from the grip.

It's like a bird, in the palm of my hand. So pure, so innocent.
All the bird needs is a boost, a push, before it sets to flying again.
But the bird chooses to fly into the cage.
Why?

Does that even make sense?

It's like I want the bird to be free... but what does the mean for me?
Do I really want to set it free?

If I were to set it free, and if it were to fly into another cage.. I would be sad.
But keeping the bird in the cage would also make me sad.
It's unpredictable. I fear that one day, its release will lead into its demise;
a lioness on the prowl. a vulture, circling the skies.
But the longer the bird stays, the harder it gets for the bird to fly away.
I want the bird to be free. But what will it choose?

Here I am, crazy lady, talking about birds at 3 in the morning.
Am I really?

Random dream.

So.. I had this weird dream couple nights ago. Actually.. 2-3 weird dreams in one night. Eeeeh.


Dream #1:
freshmen orientation was left up to the juniors.
so.. for some reason.. we were all hiding in the F quad..
the freshmen were in like.. herds.
so then.. on the count of three..
we would jump out from our hiding spots and break into song.
I DON'T KNOW WHY. LOL.
I forgot how it ended, but I just woke up like.. woah.

Dream #2:
considering my cousins were watching hannah montana in the living room when I was eating in the living room, I was making fun of her nasally voice.
it just happened to be that one movie/episode with that annoying song "He could be the One."
ANYWAYS..
I was sleeping, and for some reason, it was like an episode of hannah montana, but like.. R-rated.
so then.. blah blah blah, she chose jake again.
but then the other guy, the "bad boy" was stalking her and trying to break into her house when she and the blond guy were married.
and he was like.. a homocidal maniac. lol
so then hannah gets into her minivan with jake & they're driving on the freeway
while the other guy is chasing them,
saying how much he wants to kill them, because he loves her.
LOL. Idk WHY I dreamed this, but I did. LOL.

I don't remember the 3rd dream, but I knew it had to do with Pokemon. hahahah, I know. wth.