Unstable.

I don't know what's up with me.



It's like.. I'm perfectly fine.
But then again, I'm not.
I'm more than content with what I'm feeling..
but then again, I'm not.
I think I'm happy..
but am I really?

I don't know. I feel lost, unsatisfied, unclear, foggy..
but at the same time, I feel like I have everything under control.

My feelings are in check.. but am I right?
am I in the right place?

It's confusing sometimes. I can't sort out my feelings.
I want to laugh. I want to cry.
But it's like.. I can't figure out what to do. or why.

Am I messed up? or am I seeing clarity for the first time?
I don't know. I don't know anymore.

The walls are closing in on me.

I'm praying. But.. for what?

There's something missing, even though I've gained experience and wisdom.
Am I moving forward? Am I static?

Am I doing something good?
or was it just another impulsive, feel-good moment?

Did I make the right choice?
or did I just make the biggest mistake of my high school life?

I don't know. I don't know.

It feels like I'm falling apart, but at the same time, I could be getting stronger?
It makes no sense. No sense at all.

What's wrong with me?

Am I destroying myself?
No, I am eating.
No, I am average weight.
Yes, I am sleeping.

Then why does it feel like there's something wrong? Something missing.

It doesn't make sense.

It's right. It's wrong.

Dear God, help me figure it out.

Is it fear?
Anxiety? Paranoia?

If I let something go, will I regret for the rest of my life?
But if I hold on too tight, the reins will only leave bruising marks on my palms, muscles aching from the grip.

It's like a bird, in the palm of my hand. So pure, so innocent.
All the bird needs is a boost, a push, before it sets to flying again.
But the bird chooses to fly into the cage.
Why?

Does that even make sense?

It's like I want the bird to be free... but what does the mean for me?
Do I really want to set it free?

If I were to set it free, and if it were to fly into another cage.. I would be sad.
But keeping the bird in the cage would also make me sad.
It's unpredictable. I fear that one day, its release will lead into its demise;
a lioness on the prowl. a vulture, circling the skies.
But the longer the bird stays, the harder it gets for the bird to fly away.
I want the bird to be free. But what will it choose?

Here I am, crazy lady, talking about birds at 3 in the morning.
Am I really?