Never the right time.

I'm so sorry.
Words cannot express how sorry I am, how far I let it go.
Actually, no, words probably can describe it, but I am the wrong person in the wrong state of mind to be saying anything now.
I should stop talking; all I ever do is push people to their limits and spout the wrong information that I've heard.

I'm so stupid. No, I'm not asking for any sympathy.
I try to fix things. I try. That's the keyword. Try.
But I only tend to make things worse.
I've betrayed a friend.
Not purposely, but still.
Betrayal is still betrayal, no matter what the intent.
I despise myself, I despise the fact that I always want to fix things.
There are things in life that are unfixable.
I can't do it.
Because I only make them worse.
Because they somehow always end up wrong.
Because all I can do now is say that I'm sorry.
I'm not going to hope for a better future for us.
Because I would be holding my breath forever.
I can't expect you to forgive me.
If you do, I would be amazed, astounded.
It would be a miracle, a forgiveness that takes a lot.
But it's okay.
No, it's not, but that's all I can really say.
I don't know what to do.
I would not blame you if you blame me.
I would not blame you if you stopped talking to me.
I would not blame you if you stopped being my friend.
I would not blame you if you stopped trusting me.

People should stop trusting me.
I'm not fit to keep in your many secrets. Not anymore.
I'm only human. And here is yet another of my mistakes.

No more secrets, I can't do this anymore.

The conclusion is..

I'm sorry. I wish I can control the damage I caused.
If you don't want to be my friend anymore, it's completely understandable.
If you still want to be friends, I would understand if you don't want to tell me any more secrets. I probably can't handle it anyway.
But just know that I will always tell you the truth, no matter how bleak it sounds. I will never lie to you, and that is why this apology is as sincere as I can make it through text and internet.
I hurt you, not intentionally, but the intentions have no effect on the pain it has caused you.
Just want to let you know that I love you so, but please, I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want you to hurt, so I'll go away. Because all I'll ever end up doing is causing you pain.

---

And on a side note about myself:
I can't handle this anymore.
I can't handle other people's secrets.
Secrets don't make friends, so maybe I should just not have any deep ones.
Things were easier, much easier.
Please don't give me your heart,
because I'll break it.
I won't mean to break it, but it's fragile.
My calloused hands will do nothing but shatter it.

I can't do this anymore.

Goodbye, Blogspot.
It'll be the last time I blog for this year. On blogspot.

I'm switching to another network.
I'm hoping it'll be a long time before I return to blogger.
This just.. has too much history.

First time in a month since I've cried. Ah, well..
"Love is pain."

Scarlet Letter.

So I was in English 11 AP today..
After the vocabulary quiz, we discussed the Scarlet Letter.
It was a very long book that I did not bother to read.
In fact, I was half-asleep after the quiz.

But I started to pay attention to what Higgins was saying.

We were discussing how the scarlet letter was a mark for her sin and a reminder of the shame she committed, and how it will stay with her for the rest of her life.
"Hester Prynn has a scarlet letter A. A for Adultery. Now.. this is a rhetorical question. Meaning, I don't want you to answer aloud. Is there something that regret in your life? What would your Scarlet Letter be? Would it be homemade? What font would it be in? Would it be intricate, or simple?"

And the like.
I thought about it.
I really did.

It's something I have yet to totally figure out.

Something about the early hours of the day... and Neopets.

Reporting. Not venting. Report of my night/morning.

So I was doing my GC yesterday at my house.
Jane left at 6, Hunter, Paul, and Andrew left at 7.
We have the rest to film on Friday, rain or shine, at the library.

I knocked out in all of my clothes on the couch at 7:30pm. Lol.
Woke up at 12:55. FULLY AWAKE.
I think I just had my day's rest.
So.. yeah. It's 4:24-ish.
I've been doing my project.
Then I started sangin'. ;)
Ahaha, I love when my parents are asleep, the TV's on to mask my voice, then I could just belt it out and no one will hear me and judge. yennoe?

Dawn playlist:
Don't Stop Believin' by Journey (Glee version)
You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift
Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
My Immortal by Evanescence
Love You Much Better by the Hush Sound
New Soul by Yael Naim

It's really hard some of them. I have to resort to my head voice. Or whatever. But it's okay. Haha.
The Hush Sound's more of my range, I guess. Sometimes. :D
And Yael Naim. But she has a funny accent sometimes. I wonder if I have an accent in singing. :I
Got enough practice. If only I could wake up this early everyday. I could start voice training instead of resorting to my garage. Hahaha.
I wish my voice was higher pitched.
My throat is exercised. I'm in a singing mood. I just wish my singing face wasn't so uglay.
Failed attempts at harmonizing. Even though I'm an alto in choir. Fail.

Then,

I ended up playing Farmville, Yakuza Lords, and Petville. I'm such a loser. Lol.

Then...

Something from my childhood.
I suddenly remembered what drew me back in.
It's December.

Can you say...

ADVENT CALENDAR??

Hello, Neopets. xD

It's funny, looking back. It reminds me of how I would always return to it just for the free stuff everyday. And how it would take me about 30 minutes to remember my password and username.

Which also brought me back to thinking about part of Coldplay's song: Viva la Vida.
No song interpretations on my part, cause I suck at that.
But it reminded me of that one line..
"That was when I ruled the world."

In a way, as a preteen and middle schooler, I LOVED Neopets. I would go online everyday, check my dailies, go avatar hunting, quest completing, plot ruling, and the like. Instead of being the average teen that has to have their parents tell them to get off of Myspace, it was Neopets. I found joy in finding cheat sites and walkthroughs for plots and reaping the rewards for all those things. Neopoints. Games.
But the thing I ruled over..

NeoBoards.

I remember "pwning n00bs" on the NeoBoards with my logic. I would especially pick on the "weeaboos" or "wapanese", aka Japanese wannabes. I would find people like me all across the world, pretending to be someone they're not. Roleplaying. Speaking in Arial font, size 1, and unique smileys to seem more asian or "cute". And those people who would put fake pictures of themselves, with their Asian writing and About Me's. That was fun.

But it turned dangerous. Another story for another time. Another regret, another lesson learned.
Tears were shed.
But a story for another time.
I'm so sorry.


Anyways...
I remember being popular. Or at least known by a lot of people in each board. It was the highlight of my lonely life growing up.
I would always leave... then December would bring me back again. Free stuff is just too tempting to pass up.
I should have another blog for Neopets. I think I will.
So many memories.

Eh. I don't know what else to say right now.
I'll blog later. :)

There's so much more happening in the bigger picture.

Everyone has problems.
It's a universal fact.
But that's what friends are for.
To help you through it all.

Lately, I've been complaining, venting about my thoughts.

But I caught up with a friend. I wanted to cry. I couldn't. It's too hard.
I didn't understand the magnitude of the tragedy at the time.
It's like my sense of self wasn't completely tuned to my feelings.
I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't think.
I couldn't help. All I could do was agree and disagree.
And be the comic relief.
My cheery disposition was of no use.
I was of no use.

But today, it hit me.

It happened.
The thing I feared the most happened to one of my best friends.
The first time she told me, that week, I started crying at Target.
That was in the summer.
But I hid it in the back of my mind. Because of other engagements.
But today. Today, I realized.
She has been living with this for far longer than I myself could stand.
And I'm sure she feels it everyday. It's like a curse. Far worse than a curse.
But there's only so much I could do.
It hurts to see her hurt. It hurts that I can't help her or ease her pain.
It hurts that the only thing I could do is watch her die inside and say, "It's okay."
It's not okay.
Those nightmares.. those flashbacks..
And then you realized why. And who.

I want him to die.
I want to make him suffer.
It awakens the part of me that rests with those who die of capital punishment.
How could they have known?
I wish I could've prevented it.
But you were too far.
We were too distant.
I hate him.
I don't know who he is, but if I see him, I will strangle him.
A person like that doesn't deserve to live.
For me to even mention gender with the pronouns I use, I don't even care.
He hurt you.
I love you.
He hurt my heart.
I wish I could use my connections there to get him.
No, capital punishment is far too kind for someone of his degree.
He broke you.

But you are strong.
I believe you will get through this.
I pray you will get through this.

But for now..
all we have to pride ourselves on..
is the thought of him suffering.
God-willing.
Please let justice be done, Lord.

And now we wait.
You have a group of friends that support you no matter what, to guide you on whatever path you choose to take.
I don't want you to hurt anymore.
I want to help heal your broken soul.
You didn't deserve this.
No one does.
Except him.

That's all I can say right now.
I lack eloquence, so I hope you will read this.

Even though we lack a means of communication by this degree, I hope this will keep us in contact.

Darling, you're still a child.

I would like to call this an impulse blog.

Anything I decide to post on impulse is not well thought out, nor has it been scripted or pondered on for longer than 3 days.

I would like to address this to someone very special.

Yet very young. Immature, almost.

You'll never read this.

But if you do, you'll never understand it until someone explains it to you.

You try so hard to be someone that pleases me.

It's sweet, but sometimes it gets a little bland because I can't tell if you're happy doing it.

It almost makes me sad, because it's blind. Blind affection.

You strive to make me happy, even if it makes you sad. But you can never tell that when you're sad, the effort you made is almost useless. Because when you're sad, it makes me sad.

Sometimes, I wonder what led me to make that important decision that would change both of our lives.

Sometimes, I complain that there's no depth in what we have. It's taken at face value.

But then again, it's probably the reason why I made that decision anyway.

"Without depth, it would not be complicated", is what I thought.

It's not that I was terribly wrong, but the complexity of the matter presented itself in a different manner.

Nawwm' saying?

I love you.. but you're still so young.

You think that the incident that happened before is the worst thing you've ever experienced in your life. You think it'll go away like nothing ever happened. You think that's the worst you will EVER experience in your life.

I'm sorry, but you're so sheltered sometimes.

That was just a notch of hardship on my belt.

I know it seems like I'm bragging, but I'm not.

You think the world crashed down on you.

Baby, the sky hasn't even begun to fall.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not to let you go..

Let you experience your own hardships and failures.

Maybe come back when you've matured on your own, and formed your own opinion.

But I just can't let go of your hand.

Maybe it's that motherly instinct that leads me to keep you, to protect you.

But in the end, I fear that it will screw you over..

when you realize I'm not going to be there for you forever.

Yet.. I still maintain that hope that I will be able to guide you along your path.

Maybe that's why I'm still here for you. With you.

Because if it ends sooner than expected, I fear my words will be meaningless to you.

You will be too hurt to listen to me. You will hate me.

And the next one that picks you up won't be able to help you at all.

You're so sensitive, I'm so scared.

I don't know.

Just something to think about.

I'll ramble on more, later.

Using the computer at a party. How foolish.

It's as simple as bunnies & llamas.

Blog Challenge: What's your favorite animal?

I get that question sometimes.
But it's almost never the same consecutive answer.

Bunnies.

Sheep.

Llamas.

Penguins.

Flamingos.

My choice has never stayed restricted to one animal.
But I guess they have some sort of sentimental value.

Let's start with flamingos.
First of all, the obvious, they're pink. Or pinkish. My favorite color as a child.
I remember the impact they had on me when I first visited Florida, to visit my dying grandmother.
"Look at how they can balance on leg, that's so awesome."
My grandmother, Miriam Lacanilao, was a beautiful woman. She would always take care of me as a child, always having the time to take care of me even though she had cancer.
Before she died, she gave me a beanie baby of a flamingo. I'm a little disappointed I cannot find it now.
I also remember Florida as the place where I met Ian Love, the boy with the earwax and the Texan accent. My first encounter with a Filipino-American boy whose family was close to mine. I would like to believe that that moment was when I had my weird fetish for Asian-Americans. I don't know why, but I remember when we used to hang out all the time and play Playstation and go to Disney World. I still remembered him when he visited California about 4-6 years later. Weird. We didn't even talk, but I remember everything so clearly. The weather... the smell. Is that why I choose to say flamingos? I don't know.

Next, penguins. They're cute, that's why I like them. Which.. also.. brings me back to Florida. I think I first saw penguins there too, at the zoo. And I had a doll called Chilly Willy from one of the theme parks in Florida. Ian once stole it, and I got mad at him for a day. But then again, I was always mean to that boy. :( It reminds me of how mean a person I was before my huge revelation in my junior high years. Moving on.

Bunnies. They're so cute. I have a giant stuffed animal of a bunny that's half my size. I got it from a raffle in my 5th grade class. That was the most fun year I remember in my elementary days. That's the year when I first discovered my venomous jealousy. And that opened my mind to crushing on younger guys. Alec Baird, you Japanese-American. I could not get over the fact that you liked her and not me. Thank God for change though. I love her now and not you. :)

Sheep. Often used in the Bible. I couldn't get over how cute and fluffy they were. Like I even loved that one Pokemon, Flaafy, because it was a SHEEP. I honestly wanted to ride one as a child. Screw horses, it's all about the sheep. I remember buying stuffed animal sheep in white, pink, and blue from the Christian Bookstore next to Chuck E. Cheese in Chino, near my old house. They had a little handle to wind them up and it has a lullaby tune of "Jesus Loves Me". We bought another blue one for my brother's funeral. Because I would not and could not give him the blue one that they were going give him before he was to be born. I had grown too attached to it and could not bring myself to bury it with him in his grave. I just couldn't. I can't remember why though. But I remember standing over his burial plot and tearing up, clutching the small lamb in the crook of my arm. I even remember what I wore that day. Black dress pants and an itchy, white longsleeved blouse my mother made me wear. Strange.

Llamas. Random right? Disgusting, slobbery, retarded looking creatures. But random, yes? I decided this would be my favorite animal in my middle school years, the changing point of my life thus far. It was random, and it made people laugh at the thought of how random it was. That was what I wanted to be. Llamas could care less of what people think of them. I wanted to be careless, independent, laid back. I was the shy girl in the corner, the one that didn't talk until people would talk to me. I wanted change. I wanted to be called awesome. I wanted to have an impact on people's life, just by the way I lived mine. When you're in a group of people, most likely a classroom setting, people go around telling their favorite animal. No one's going to remember the dog or cat that one person said. They're going to remember you making your weird facial expression that makes people laugh and your matching handmotions when you go "LLAMAAA!"
Exactly. I wanted to achieve that goal, that persona. That lovable person that would always be able to make people laugh just by the facial expression and manner of speaking. I embraced that personality, even though it wouldn't be the most popular choice to be.
It has made me the person I sought to become today.

So... those are my thoughts.
I hope I have successfully completed the challenge of writing about favorite animals.

I just couldn't narrow it down to one.

Crawling = Insecurity, Searching?

So my musical influences for the past 2 weeks or so have been the Hush Sound, Hoobastank, and Linkin Park. I'd like to mention Panic! At the Disco, but they have nothing to do with this post.

Due to my paranoia, I have reason to believe that the action of crawling may deal with the sense of insecurity, or a sense of searching for something lacking. As what the title of this posts reveals. Because I am lame and cannot think of a better post title. Or I am just lazy because I really don't care if 10 or 100 or more people read this.

It's about 3 songs.

• Crawling by Linkin Park
• Crawling in the Dark by Hoobastank
• Crawling Towards the Sun by the Hush Sound

I would like to believe that crawling is a sign of insecurity, because if you were sure of where you walked, where you tread, you would firmly step there, right? But no, you are feeling, grasping for the answer. It eludes you.
I would like to eventually dissect the songs more in depth, but I fear that I may be too inadequate to interpret them properly.

Let me just take the time to say that this is somewhat of a disclaimer. I do not declare that this is the true meaning. This is what my consciousness has to say.

In fact, I don't want to dissect them. Maybe just bring them up all in one setting.
How would you interpret them together?
If anything, I would be the wrong one. But there's nothing wrong with bringing them together, right?

First, Crawling by Linkin Park. Good ol' favorite.

"Crawling in my skin,

These wounds they will not heal,

Fear is how I fall,

Confusing what is real

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface,

Consuming, confusing,

This lack of self control I fear is never ending,

Controlling

How I can’t seem

To find myself again,

My walls are closing in,

(Without a sense of confidence,

I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)

I’ve felt this way before,

So insecure..."

Second, Crawling in the Dark by Hoobastank. The most probable one.

"I will dedicate

And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth

Of how my story's ending

And I wish I could know if the directions that I take

And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing

Show me what it's for

Make me understand it

I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Is there something more than what I've been handed?

I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Help me carry on

Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes

To navigate the darkness

Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?

Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?

So when and how will I know?

How much further do I have to go?

How much longer until I finally know?

Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me

In front of me..."

Third, Crawling Towards the Sun by the Hush Sound. I have high doubts about this one. But let me end your reading on a happy note. Lawl.

"Carousels make laps each night

Like drunks we spin until we're sick

Creepy clowns from one horse towns

Can make their livings on a trick
Night covers all our tracks

To break some fragile backs

So we tell some lies

Then we hide from light
One night I fell asleep and woke up on that sunny street

At first I thought I couldn`t but now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden

From the light that calls my name

All the creatures stood above me

Now I`m crawling towards the sun
Candy lips that taste too sweet

Were sour in the summer heat

As the night fell I heard church bells

Say its time to leave
Out on the town we went

To carry out missions

Neither you or I would ever know sunlight
In the night light we still shine bright..."

Well. Yeah. Pretty much.
I think I will go sleep now.

Just some food for thought. :)
BTW, I'm thinking about changing my blog name. Eh.

AP English is both a gift and a curse.

"What do they mean when they say this?"
"What are they trying to tell me?"

Symbolism. Diction. Tone. Detail. Syntax. Apostrophe. Red herring. AP Lit terms.

I see them everywhere I go.
Every message sent, every text read, every bit of eavesdropping heard.
You can't help it.
You must interpret it.
Everything has meaning.
Nothing is meaningless.
But at the same time, it could be meaningful.

What do I mean by that?
It drives me insane.

I may not seem like I can write WELL in this blog, but you know what?
This is how my mind speaks. This is the gateway to my conscious.
If I must explain it in unstable terms, I would tell you that the voice in my head makes itself heard through the power of the "Publish Post" button.
Whoever hears it.. I don't know all, but I have a pretty good estimate of who does.
I almost absolutely refuse to let this be in proper essay format.
I shall save that for later and for when the time calls for it.

Lemme get back to topic. Tangents are distracting. I just spelled "are" like "and".

A gift in a way that you've seen things you've never seen before.
You understand so much more.
Your horizons expand.
You mature through your writing and critical thinking.
You apply that knowledge to everyday life.

Yet, also a curse.
Knowledge is power.
Too much power is dangerous.
I interpret things that would better be left unknown.
Or things that I should not interpret.
Because I am affected by simple mindful emotions.
I am affected deeply at times, when my emotions tend to be worn on my sleeve.
And sometimes, when I think of such a statement, I think..
"Why don't we all go sleeveless?"
But to do such a thing would be.. weird.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
I'm sick. :( And I can't sleep.
If things were only that simple.

I'm rambling now.

Go back to the point.

I see things I shouldn't see.
I overthink things that should be as simple as they look. Or are they really as simple as they look?
There are only few people in this world that truly understand me. That truly catch my drift. That honestly know what I'm trying to say here.

They understand the thoughts running through my head before they have a chance to put their shoes on.

I'm so thankful for them.

But was this blog supposed to be AP English? ahaha. Lauren, you fail.
So much for hoping to get a 3 or higher on the AP exam.
Let's see how you fare.

This topic is dead. Hahahah.
So let me continue my ramblings.

Longing.
If only I was as childlike as them.
Then my malicious thoughts would not eat me slowly.
Then my mind would be free of negative emotions, in pure innocence.
Then I would not have to suffer from self-contamination.
Then I could say I have achieved peace of mind.

I would say that I hate it.

But like everything..

It happens for a reason.

You just can't.

Trust.

There's a million words I can write about it.

But I have not time.

There's just too many views on it.

And my view is changing. So much.

I don't know anymore.

Words words words.

You just can't trust people anymore.

It's a life lesson.

When you go through hardships, that's when you'll know.

There are just few truths in the world.

Jesus loves you.

People are immature.

People can backstab you.

The square root of 9 is 3.

That's all I can really say right now.

I'll probably say more later.

Just sit back in silent lucidity.

Now Playing (not in the playlist):

Silent Lucidity by Queensryche

Now I think I know what you were saying, Rodriguez.