There's so much more happening in the bigger picture.

Everyone has problems.
It's a universal fact.
But that's what friends are for.
To help you through it all.

Lately, I've been complaining, venting about my thoughts.

But I caught up with a friend. I wanted to cry. I couldn't. It's too hard.
I didn't understand the magnitude of the tragedy at the time.
It's like my sense of self wasn't completely tuned to my feelings.
I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't think.
I couldn't help. All I could do was agree and disagree.
And be the comic relief.
My cheery disposition was of no use.
I was of no use.

But today, it hit me.

It happened.
The thing I feared the most happened to one of my best friends.
The first time she told me, that week, I started crying at Target.
That was in the summer.
But I hid it in the back of my mind. Because of other engagements.
But today. Today, I realized.
She has been living with this for far longer than I myself could stand.
And I'm sure she feels it everyday. It's like a curse. Far worse than a curse.
But there's only so much I could do.
It hurts to see her hurt. It hurts that I can't help her or ease her pain.
It hurts that the only thing I could do is watch her die inside and say, "It's okay."
It's not okay.
Those nightmares.. those flashbacks..
And then you realized why. And who.

I want him to die.
I want to make him suffer.
It awakens the part of me that rests with those who die of capital punishment.
How could they have known?
I wish I could've prevented it.
But you were too far.
We were too distant.
I hate him.
I don't know who he is, but if I see him, I will strangle him.
A person like that doesn't deserve to live.
For me to even mention gender with the pronouns I use, I don't even care.
He hurt you.
I love you.
He hurt my heart.
I wish I could use my connections there to get him.
No, capital punishment is far too kind for someone of his degree.
He broke you.

But you are strong.
I believe you will get through this.
I pray you will get through this.

But for now..
all we have to pride ourselves on..
is the thought of him suffering.
God-willing.
Please let justice be done, Lord.

And now we wait.
You have a group of friends that support you no matter what, to guide you on whatever path you choose to take.
I don't want you to hurt anymore.
I want to help heal your broken soul.
You didn't deserve this.
No one does.
Except him.

That's all I can say right now.
I lack eloquence, so I hope you will read this.

Even though we lack a means of communication by this degree, I hope this will keep us in contact.