Never the right time.

I'm so sorry.
Words cannot express how sorry I am, how far I let it go.
Actually, no, words probably can describe it, but I am the wrong person in the wrong state of mind to be saying anything now.
I should stop talking; all I ever do is push people to their limits and spout the wrong information that I've heard.

I'm so stupid. No, I'm not asking for any sympathy.
I try to fix things. I try. That's the keyword. Try.
But I only tend to make things worse.
I've betrayed a friend.
Not purposely, but still.
Betrayal is still betrayal, no matter what the intent.
I despise myself, I despise the fact that I always want to fix things.
There are things in life that are unfixable.
I can't do it.
Because I only make them worse.
Because they somehow always end up wrong.
Because all I can do now is say that I'm sorry.
I'm not going to hope for a better future for us.
Because I would be holding my breath forever.
I can't expect you to forgive me.
If you do, I would be amazed, astounded.
It would be a miracle, a forgiveness that takes a lot.
But it's okay.
No, it's not, but that's all I can really say.
I don't know what to do.
I would not blame you if you blame me.
I would not blame you if you stopped talking to me.
I would not blame you if you stopped being my friend.
I would not blame you if you stopped trusting me.

People should stop trusting me.
I'm not fit to keep in your many secrets. Not anymore.
I'm only human. And here is yet another of my mistakes.

No more secrets, I can't do this anymore.

The conclusion is..

I'm sorry. I wish I can control the damage I caused.
If you don't want to be my friend anymore, it's completely understandable.
If you still want to be friends, I would understand if you don't want to tell me any more secrets. I probably can't handle it anyway.
But just know that I will always tell you the truth, no matter how bleak it sounds. I will never lie to you, and that is why this apology is as sincere as I can make it through text and internet.
I hurt you, not intentionally, but the intentions have no effect on the pain it has caused you.
Just want to let you know that I love you so, but please, I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want you to hurt, so I'll go away. Because all I'll ever end up doing is causing you pain.

---

And on a side note about myself:
I can't handle this anymore.
I can't handle other people's secrets.
Secrets don't make friends, so maybe I should just not have any deep ones.
Things were easier, much easier.
Please don't give me your heart,
because I'll break it.
I won't mean to break it, but it's fragile.
My calloused hands will do nothing but shatter it.

I can't do this anymore.

Goodbye, Blogspot.
It'll be the last time I blog for this year. On blogspot.

I'm switching to another network.
I'm hoping it'll be a long time before I return to blogger.
This just.. has too much history.

First time in a month since I've cried. Ah, well..
"Love is pain."

Scarlet Letter.

So I was in English 11 AP today..
After the vocabulary quiz, we discussed the Scarlet Letter.
It was a very long book that I did not bother to read.
In fact, I was half-asleep after the quiz.

But I started to pay attention to what Higgins was saying.

We were discussing how the scarlet letter was a mark for her sin and a reminder of the shame she committed, and how it will stay with her for the rest of her life.
"Hester Prynn has a scarlet letter A. A for Adultery. Now.. this is a rhetorical question. Meaning, I don't want you to answer aloud. Is there something that regret in your life? What would your Scarlet Letter be? Would it be homemade? What font would it be in? Would it be intricate, or simple?"

And the like.
I thought about it.
I really did.

It's something I have yet to totally figure out.

Something about the early hours of the day... and Neopets.

Reporting. Not venting. Report of my night/morning.

So I was doing my GC yesterday at my house.
Jane left at 6, Hunter, Paul, and Andrew left at 7.
We have the rest to film on Friday, rain or shine, at the library.

I knocked out in all of my clothes on the couch at 7:30pm. Lol.
Woke up at 12:55. FULLY AWAKE.
I think I just had my day's rest.
So.. yeah. It's 4:24-ish.
I've been doing my project.
Then I started sangin'. ;)
Ahaha, I love when my parents are asleep, the TV's on to mask my voice, then I could just belt it out and no one will hear me and judge. yennoe?

Dawn playlist:
Don't Stop Believin' by Journey (Glee version)
You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift
Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
My Immortal by Evanescence
Love You Much Better by the Hush Sound
New Soul by Yael Naim

It's really hard some of them. I have to resort to my head voice. Or whatever. But it's okay. Haha.
The Hush Sound's more of my range, I guess. Sometimes. :D
And Yael Naim. But she has a funny accent sometimes. I wonder if I have an accent in singing. :I
Got enough practice. If only I could wake up this early everyday. I could start voice training instead of resorting to my garage. Hahaha.
I wish my voice was higher pitched.
My throat is exercised. I'm in a singing mood. I just wish my singing face wasn't so uglay.
Failed attempts at harmonizing. Even though I'm an alto in choir. Fail.

Then,

I ended up playing Farmville, Yakuza Lords, and Petville. I'm such a loser. Lol.

Then...

Something from my childhood.
I suddenly remembered what drew me back in.
It's December.

Can you say...

ADVENT CALENDAR??

Hello, Neopets. xD

It's funny, looking back. It reminds me of how I would always return to it just for the free stuff everyday. And how it would take me about 30 minutes to remember my password and username.

Which also brought me back to thinking about part of Coldplay's song: Viva la Vida.
No song interpretations on my part, cause I suck at that.
But it reminded me of that one line..
"That was when I ruled the world."

In a way, as a preteen and middle schooler, I LOVED Neopets. I would go online everyday, check my dailies, go avatar hunting, quest completing, plot ruling, and the like. Instead of being the average teen that has to have their parents tell them to get off of Myspace, it was Neopets. I found joy in finding cheat sites and walkthroughs for plots and reaping the rewards for all those things. Neopoints. Games.
But the thing I ruled over..

NeoBoards.

I remember "pwning n00bs" on the NeoBoards with my logic. I would especially pick on the "weeaboos" or "wapanese", aka Japanese wannabes. I would find people like me all across the world, pretending to be someone they're not. Roleplaying. Speaking in Arial font, size 1, and unique smileys to seem more asian or "cute". And those people who would put fake pictures of themselves, with their Asian writing and About Me's. That was fun.

But it turned dangerous. Another story for another time. Another regret, another lesson learned.
Tears were shed.
But a story for another time.
I'm so sorry.


Anyways...
I remember being popular. Or at least known by a lot of people in each board. It was the highlight of my lonely life growing up.
I would always leave... then December would bring me back again. Free stuff is just too tempting to pass up.
I should have another blog for Neopets. I think I will.
So many memories.

Eh. I don't know what else to say right now.
I'll blog later. :)

There's so much more happening in the bigger picture.

Everyone has problems.
It's a universal fact.
But that's what friends are for.
To help you through it all.

Lately, I've been complaining, venting about my thoughts.

But I caught up with a friend. I wanted to cry. I couldn't. It's too hard.
I didn't understand the magnitude of the tragedy at the time.
It's like my sense of self wasn't completely tuned to my feelings.
I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't think.
I couldn't help. All I could do was agree and disagree.
And be the comic relief.
My cheery disposition was of no use.
I was of no use.

But today, it hit me.

It happened.
The thing I feared the most happened to one of my best friends.
The first time she told me, that week, I started crying at Target.
That was in the summer.
But I hid it in the back of my mind. Because of other engagements.
But today. Today, I realized.
She has been living with this for far longer than I myself could stand.
And I'm sure she feels it everyday. It's like a curse. Far worse than a curse.
But there's only so much I could do.
It hurts to see her hurt. It hurts that I can't help her or ease her pain.
It hurts that the only thing I could do is watch her die inside and say, "It's okay."
It's not okay.
Those nightmares.. those flashbacks..
And then you realized why. And who.

I want him to die.
I want to make him suffer.
It awakens the part of me that rests with those who die of capital punishment.
How could they have known?
I wish I could've prevented it.
But you were too far.
We were too distant.
I hate him.
I don't know who he is, but if I see him, I will strangle him.
A person like that doesn't deserve to live.
For me to even mention gender with the pronouns I use, I don't even care.
He hurt you.
I love you.
He hurt my heart.
I wish I could use my connections there to get him.
No, capital punishment is far too kind for someone of his degree.
He broke you.

But you are strong.
I believe you will get through this.
I pray you will get through this.

But for now..
all we have to pride ourselves on..
is the thought of him suffering.
God-willing.
Please let justice be done, Lord.

And now we wait.
You have a group of friends that support you no matter what, to guide you on whatever path you choose to take.
I don't want you to hurt anymore.
I want to help heal your broken soul.
You didn't deserve this.
No one does.
Except him.

That's all I can say right now.
I lack eloquence, so I hope you will read this.

Even though we lack a means of communication by this degree, I hope this will keep us in contact.

Darling, you're still a child.

I would like to call this an impulse blog.

Anything I decide to post on impulse is not well thought out, nor has it been scripted or pondered on for longer than 3 days.

I would like to address this to someone very special.

Yet very young. Immature, almost.

You'll never read this.

But if you do, you'll never understand it until someone explains it to you.

You try so hard to be someone that pleases me.

It's sweet, but sometimes it gets a little bland because I can't tell if you're happy doing it.

It almost makes me sad, because it's blind. Blind affection.

You strive to make me happy, even if it makes you sad. But you can never tell that when you're sad, the effort you made is almost useless. Because when you're sad, it makes me sad.

Sometimes, I wonder what led me to make that important decision that would change both of our lives.

Sometimes, I complain that there's no depth in what we have. It's taken at face value.

But then again, it's probably the reason why I made that decision anyway.

"Without depth, it would not be complicated", is what I thought.

It's not that I was terribly wrong, but the complexity of the matter presented itself in a different manner.

Nawwm' saying?

I love you.. but you're still so young.

You think that the incident that happened before is the worst thing you've ever experienced in your life. You think it'll go away like nothing ever happened. You think that's the worst you will EVER experience in your life.

I'm sorry, but you're so sheltered sometimes.

That was just a notch of hardship on my belt.

I know it seems like I'm bragging, but I'm not.

You think the world crashed down on you.

Baby, the sky hasn't even begun to fall.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not to let you go..

Let you experience your own hardships and failures.

Maybe come back when you've matured on your own, and formed your own opinion.

But I just can't let go of your hand.

Maybe it's that motherly instinct that leads me to keep you, to protect you.

But in the end, I fear that it will screw you over..

when you realize I'm not going to be there for you forever.

Yet.. I still maintain that hope that I will be able to guide you along your path.

Maybe that's why I'm still here for you. With you.

Because if it ends sooner than expected, I fear my words will be meaningless to you.

You will be too hurt to listen to me. You will hate me.

And the next one that picks you up won't be able to help you at all.

You're so sensitive, I'm so scared.

I don't know.

Just something to think about.

I'll ramble on more, later.

Using the computer at a party. How foolish.

It's as simple as bunnies & llamas.

Blog Challenge: What's your favorite animal?

I get that question sometimes.
But it's almost never the same consecutive answer.

Bunnies.

Sheep.

Llamas.

Penguins.

Flamingos.

My choice has never stayed restricted to one animal.
But I guess they have some sort of sentimental value.

Let's start with flamingos.
First of all, the obvious, they're pink. Or pinkish. My favorite color as a child.
I remember the impact they had on me when I first visited Florida, to visit my dying grandmother.
"Look at how they can balance on leg, that's so awesome."
My grandmother, Miriam Lacanilao, was a beautiful woman. She would always take care of me as a child, always having the time to take care of me even though she had cancer.
Before she died, she gave me a beanie baby of a flamingo. I'm a little disappointed I cannot find it now.
I also remember Florida as the place where I met Ian Love, the boy with the earwax and the Texan accent. My first encounter with a Filipino-American boy whose family was close to mine. I would like to believe that that moment was when I had my weird fetish for Asian-Americans. I don't know why, but I remember when we used to hang out all the time and play Playstation and go to Disney World. I still remembered him when he visited California about 4-6 years later. Weird. We didn't even talk, but I remember everything so clearly. The weather... the smell. Is that why I choose to say flamingos? I don't know.

Next, penguins. They're cute, that's why I like them. Which.. also.. brings me back to Florida. I think I first saw penguins there too, at the zoo. And I had a doll called Chilly Willy from one of the theme parks in Florida. Ian once stole it, and I got mad at him for a day. But then again, I was always mean to that boy. :( It reminds me of how mean a person I was before my huge revelation in my junior high years. Moving on.

Bunnies. They're so cute. I have a giant stuffed animal of a bunny that's half my size. I got it from a raffle in my 5th grade class. That was the most fun year I remember in my elementary days. That's the year when I first discovered my venomous jealousy. And that opened my mind to crushing on younger guys. Alec Baird, you Japanese-American. I could not get over the fact that you liked her and not me. Thank God for change though. I love her now and not you. :)

Sheep. Often used in the Bible. I couldn't get over how cute and fluffy they were. Like I even loved that one Pokemon, Flaafy, because it was a SHEEP. I honestly wanted to ride one as a child. Screw horses, it's all about the sheep. I remember buying stuffed animal sheep in white, pink, and blue from the Christian Bookstore next to Chuck E. Cheese in Chino, near my old house. They had a little handle to wind them up and it has a lullaby tune of "Jesus Loves Me". We bought another blue one for my brother's funeral. Because I would not and could not give him the blue one that they were going give him before he was to be born. I had grown too attached to it and could not bring myself to bury it with him in his grave. I just couldn't. I can't remember why though. But I remember standing over his burial plot and tearing up, clutching the small lamb in the crook of my arm. I even remember what I wore that day. Black dress pants and an itchy, white longsleeved blouse my mother made me wear. Strange.

Llamas. Random right? Disgusting, slobbery, retarded looking creatures. But random, yes? I decided this would be my favorite animal in my middle school years, the changing point of my life thus far. It was random, and it made people laugh at the thought of how random it was. That was what I wanted to be. Llamas could care less of what people think of them. I wanted to be careless, independent, laid back. I was the shy girl in the corner, the one that didn't talk until people would talk to me. I wanted change. I wanted to be called awesome. I wanted to have an impact on people's life, just by the way I lived mine. When you're in a group of people, most likely a classroom setting, people go around telling their favorite animal. No one's going to remember the dog or cat that one person said. They're going to remember you making your weird facial expression that makes people laugh and your matching handmotions when you go "LLAMAAA!"
Exactly. I wanted to achieve that goal, that persona. That lovable person that would always be able to make people laugh just by the facial expression and manner of speaking. I embraced that personality, even though it wouldn't be the most popular choice to be.
It has made me the person I sought to become today.

So... those are my thoughts.
I hope I have successfully completed the challenge of writing about favorite animals.

I just couldn't narrow it down to one.

Crawling = Insecurity, Searching?

So my musical influences for the past 2 weeks or so have been the Hush Sound, Hoobastank, and Linkin Park. I'd like to mention Panic! At the Disco, but they have nothing to do with this post.

Due to my paranoia, I have reason to believe that the action of crawling may deal with the sense of insecurity, or a sense of searching for something lacking. As what the title of this posts reveals. Because I am lame and cannot think of a better post title. Or I am just lazy because I really don't care if 10 or 100 or more people read this.

It's about 3 songs.

• Crawling by Linkin Park
• Crawling in the Dark by Hoobastank
• Crawling Towards the Sun by the Hush Sound

I would like to believe that crawling is a sign of insecurity, because if you were sure of where you walked, where you tread, you would firmly step there, right? But no, you are feeling, grasping for the answer. It eludes you.
I would like to eventually dissect the songs more in depth, but I fear that I may be too inadequate to interpret them properly.

Let me just take the time to say that this is somewhat of a disclaimer. I do not declare that this is the true meaning. This is what my consciousness has to say.

In fact, I don't want to dissect them. Maybe just bring them up all in one setting.
How would you interpret them together?
If anything, I would be the wrong one. But there's nothing wrong with bringing them together, right?

First, Crawling by Linkin Park. Good ol' favorite.

"Crawling in my skin,

These wounds they will not heal,

Fear is how I fall,

Confusing what is real

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface,

Consuming, confusing,

This lack of self control I fear is never ending,

Controlling

How I can’t seem

To find myself again,

My walls are closing in,

(Without a sense of confidence,

I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take)

I’ve felt this way before,

So insecure..."

Second, Crawling in the Dark by Hoobastank. The most probable one.

"I will dedicate

And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth

Of how my story's ending

And I wish I could know if the directions that I take

And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing

Show me what it's for

Make me understand it

I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Is there something more than what I've been handed?

I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Help me carry on

Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes

To navigate the darkness

Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?

Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?

So when and how will I know?

How much further do I have to go?

How much longer until I finally know?

Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me

In front of me..."

Third, Crawling Towards the Sun by the Hush Sound. I have high doubts about this one. But let me end your reading on a happy note. Lawl.

"Carousels make laps each night

Like drunks we spin until we're sick

Creepy clowns from one horse towns

Can make their livings on a trick
Night covers all our tracks

To break some fragile backs

So we tell some lies

Then we hide from light
One night I fell asleep and woke up on that sunny street

At first I thought I couldn`t but now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden

From the light that calls my name

All the creatures stood above me

Now I`m crawling towards the sun
Candy lips that taste too sweet

Were sour in the summer heat

As the night fell I heard church bells

Say its time to leave
Out on the town we went

To carry out missions

Neither you or I would ever know sunlight
In the night light we still shine bright..."

Well. Yeah. Pretty much.
I think I will go sleep now.

Just some food for thought. :)
BTW, I'm thinking about changing my blog name. Eh.

AP English is both a gift and a curse.

"What do they mean when they say this?"
"What are they trying to tell me?"

Symbolism. Diction. Tone. Detail. Syntax. Apostrophe. Red herring. AP Lit terms.

I see them everywhere I go.
Every message sent, every text read, every bit of eavesdropping heard.
You can't help it.
You must interpret it.
Everything has meaning.
Nothing is meaningless.
But at the same time, it could be meaningful.

What do I mean by that?
It drives me insane.

I may not seem like I can write WELL in this blog, but you know what?
This is how my mind speaks. This is the gateway to my conscious.
If I must explain it in unstable terms, I would tell you that the voice in my head makes itself heard through the power of the "Publish Post" button.
Whoever hears it.. I don't know all, but I have a pretty good estimate of who does.
I almost absolutely refuse to let this be in proper essay format.
I shall save that for later and for when the time calls for it.

Lemme get back to topic. Tangents are distracting. I just spelled "are" like "and".

A gift in a way that you've seen things you've never seen before.
You understand so much more.
Your horizons expand.
You mature through your writing and critical thinking.
You apply that knowledge to everyday life.

Yet, also a curse.
Knowledge is power.
Too much power is dangerous.
I interpret things that would better be left unknown.
Or things that I should not interpret.
Because I am affected by simple mindful emotions.
I am affected deeply at times, when my emotions tend to be worn on my sleeve.
And sometimes, when I think of such a statement, I think..
"Why don't we all go sleeveless?"
But to do such a thing would be.. weird.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
I'm sick. :( And I can't sleep.
If things were only that simple.

I'm rambling now.

Go back to the point.

I see things I shouldn't see.
I overthink things that should be as simple as they look. Or are they really as simple as they look?
There are only few people in this world that truly understand me. That truly catch my drift. That honestly know what I'm trying to say here.

They understand the thoughts running through my head before they have a chance to put their shoes on.

I'm so thankful for them.

But was this blog supposed to be AP English? ahaha. Lauren, you fail.
So much for hoping to get a 3 or higher on the AP exam.
Let's see how you fare.

This topic is dead. Hahahah.
So let me continue my ramblings.

Longing.
If only I was as childlike as them.
Then my malicious thoughts would not eat me slowly.
Then my mind would be free of negative emotions, in pure innocence.
Then I would not have to suffer from self-contamination.
Then I could say I have achieved peace of mind.

I would say that I hate it.

But like everything..

It happens for a reason.

You just can't.

Trust.

There's a million words I can write about it.

But I have not time.

There's just too many views on it.

And my view is changing. So much.

I don't know anymore.

Words words words.

You just can't trust people anymore.

It's a life lesson.

When you go through hardships, that's when you'll know.

There are just few truths in the world.

Jesus loves you.

People are immature.

People can backstab you.

The square root of 9 is 3.

That's all I can really say right now.

I'll probably say more later.

Just sit back in silent lucidity.

Now Playing (not in the playlist):

Silent Lucidity by Queensryche

Now I think I know what you were saying, Rodriguez.

Music Update?

Change of playlist.

I titled it "1".

No significance. But's what I've listened to this past week.

I really don't know why.

I'm so confused.

What the heck is going on?

Fresno, here I come.

WBA CHAMPIONSHIPS, BABY!
;D

no time for silly colors.

I STILL HAVEN'T PACKED. or done my hw. lame.
I passed out on my bed at TEN O'CLOCK. Wth.
I just took a shower right now. -____-x

we leave in less than 12 hours. I planted my 4 day plants yesterday on Farmville. WHOOT.

The final stretch.

LET'S GO~!

P.S. As of late, I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco in the morning. hahaha. blast from the past, much?

"Have some composure, where is your posture? Oh, no no.. you're pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong."

"Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid."

My next immersion: The Hush Sound or... Jay-Z.

hahah :)

11.19.09

I've been having nightmares lately. Well, not really bad ones, but enough to go..

"This is possible. This could happen."

It's not like my life took a bad turn, it's just.. maybe it's something on my mind? I don't know. I can't remember what happened exactly. But they all ended with..

"Can't you see that it's hurting me? Don't you care?"

The heck? I don't even know where it came from. But it was liberating in the end. I really don't know. I don't know if I caused whatever happened or if something happened to me.

All I know.. is that there's a catalyst. And it's definitely not me.

---

We leave for Fresno tomorrow. I don't know if I should bring my laptop. Kay, I should get ready for school, I guess.

Blah.

Mimic essays due tomorrow. haven't started.
GC in-class short-form book report friday. haven't read it.
math test friday. haven't done any of the hw.
history project. haven't done the research for my group.
chem test tuesday. haven't written down the sheet.
dot book lost. gotta redo the old one.
spanish notes and history notes. gotta organize them before the end of the semester.

ugh. I'm so unmotivated, it's ridiculous.
today, I decided that I'm tired of school.

I think I won't go online for a while. so that one day, when I finish all of my ish, I will be able to relax.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR WINTER BREAK.
urgghhhhh.

10.31.09 - Halloween..

... will not be celebrated by me this year, again, thanks to band. :'(
Looks like I'm not dressing up until senior year.
Oh, well, at least it's BOA. Bands of America..
Looking forward to SOUVENIR SHOPPING. and FULL RETREAT :)
I think I'm gonna buy a BETTER necklace. & a BOA regional shirt. maybe a flute jacket. lol
I WILL MAKE FRIENDS WITH OTHER BANDS TODAY >:(
because BOA Regionals & WBA champs are probably the last times I will see some of these people.
Cause of Indy next year (WHOOT WHOOT~)
but then again, idk. ahahah.
ganna meet up with Nicole Anne Solis on the 50, probably. hahaha.
also gotta buy Ryan souvenirs cause he's sick :(
I've taken the privilege of calling myself his band mommy. hahahahah. XD

ANYWAYS, I should leave the house in an hour. Still haven't gotten dressed.
I woke up at 7:30am this morning, unable to go back to sleep.
So I played Yakuza Lords on Facebook. It's actually pretty addicting. XD
Yeah, I'm a loser. :) So suck it up & deal with it!

I want fried zuccini. LOL.

Dear God, I hope we win Sweepstakes & e v e r y t h i n g today.
The seniors are gonna cry if they don't get their 4th medal.
I don't wanna disappoint them :(
I might cry, but not as much as them.
If not, please let it be the BEST freaking run we have so far, that even if we don't win first, we can still go home with our heads held up high and say that we did our best.

Remember guys, OUTSIDE HASHES. (if there's two)
lol, idk, that's the first thing that popped into my head.

So.. wish us luck.

LET'S GO, AYALA!

Unstable.

I don't know what's up with me.



It's like.. I'm perfectly fine.
But then again, I'm not.
I'm more than content with what I'm feeling..
but then again, I'm not.
I think I'm happy..
but am I really?

I don't know. I feel lost, unsatisfied, unclear, foggy..
but at the same time, I feel like I have everything under control.

My feelings are in check.. but am I right?
am I in the right place?

It's confusing sometimes. I can't sort out my feelings.
I want to laugh. I want to cry.
But it's like.. I can't figure out what to do. or why.

Am I messed up? or am I seeing clarity for the first time?
I don't know. I don't know anymore.

The walls are closing in on me.

I'm praying. But.. for what?

There's something missing, even though I've gained experience and wisdom.
Am I moving forward? Am I static?

Am I doing something good?
or was it just another impulsive, feel-good moment?

Did I make the right choice?
or did I just make the biggest mistake of my high school life?

I don't know. I don't know.

It feels like I'm falling apart, but at the same time, I could be getting stronger?
It makes no sense. No sense at all.

What's wrong with me?

Am I destroying myself?
No, I am eating.
No, I am average weight.
Yes, I am sleeping.

Then why does it feel like there's something wrong? Something missing.

It doesn't make sense.

It's right. It's wrong.

Dear God, help me figure it out.

Is it fear?
Anxiety? Paranoia?

If I let something go, will I regret for the rest of my life?
But if I hold on too tight, the reins will only leave bruising marks on my palms, muscles aching from the grip.

It's like a bird, in the palm of my hand. So pure, so innocent.
All the bird needs is a boost, a push, before it sets to flying again.
But the bird chooses to fly into the cage.
Why?

Does that even make sense?

It's like I want the bird to be free... but what does the mean for me?
Do I really want to set it free?

If I were to set it free, and if it were to fly into another cage.. I would be sad.
But keeping the bird in the cage would also make me sad.
It's unpredictable. I fear that one day, its release will lead into its demise;
a lioness on the prowl. a vulture, circling the skies.
But the longer the bird stays, the harder it gets for the bird to fly away.
I want the bird to be free. But what will it choose?

Here I am, crazy lady, talking about birds at 3 in the morning.
Am I really?

Random dream.

So.. I had this weird dream couple nights ago. Actually.. 2-3 weird dreams in one night. Eeeeh.


Dream #1:
freshmen orientation was left up to the juniors.
so.. for some reason.. we were all hiding in the F quad..
the freshmen were in like.. herds.
so then.. on the count of three..
we would jump out from our hiding spots and break into song.
I DON'T KNOW WHY. LOL.
I forgot how it ended, but I just woke up like.. woah.

Dream #2:
considering my cousins were watching hannah montana in the living room when I was eating in the living room, I was making fun of her nasally voice.
it just happened to be that one movie/episode with that annoying song "He could be the One."
ANYWAYS..
I was sleeping, and for some reason, it was like an episode of hannah montana, but like.. R-rated.
so then.. blah blah blah, she chose jake again.
but then the other guy, the "bad boy" was stalking her and trying to break into her house when she and the blond guy were married.
and he was like.. a homocidal maniac. lol
so then hannah gets into her minivan with jake & they're driving on the freeway
while the other guy is chasing them,
saying how much he wants to kill them, because he loves her.
LOL. Idk WHY I dreamed this, but I did. LOL.

I don't remember the 3rd dream, but I knew it had to do with Pokemon. hahahah, I know. wth.

So I got some haters in the house...

Oh, you know.

HELLO, MISS JEALOUS. or should I say Jealous Misses.

so, this is the first time anyone.. or well.. a GROUP of people have hated me specifically for the reason of.. HIM. -_________-

bullcrap. I ain't taking this lightly.

I mean, they're not like.. attacking me (yet), but they've been saying I don't deserve him, yatta yatta.. all that jazz.

Freshmen.

yeee. well, you know what?

GLARE AT ME ALL YOU WANT. cause you know he ain't yours. :)
in fact, he told me he hates your section (with the few exceptions).

cause baby girl(s), I'm gonna be SO nice, I'ma make you EAT your words.

let's see how far kindness goes(:

hey, bestfriend, wuddup ?!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Woke up groggily.
Had band uniform fitting today.
Purple vneck, compression shorts, over shorts, dinkles.
Had to get a TOTALLY refitted cause they couldn't find my uniform. Must've taken it out on accident... so someone else is wearing my uniform from last year.
Took me like.. an hour, hour & a half.
Went down a size in gloves. Cause mine were a little big last year.
Went down a pant size, cause I guess I didn't properly fit it on last year. hahaha.
Got the last small gauntlets left. WHOOT. :D
Orange cart, I remember.
My head's the same size. I got attached to my hat.
omg, I found the nasty black tape in there from last year when we taped down our gloves.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR BAND SEASON. =D
And my opening set is freaking ridiculous. I think the band will blame me, some, clarinets, & some flutes if we screw it up. Ahh, I'm scared. D:

So anyways.. yeah, I saw him. & it got me thinking.

You see, there's a whole story. Kinda. Maybe. Sorta. Yes, really.

So there's a boy & a girl, right? They kinda liked each other. But it was really awkward. But it was a cute-kind of awkward. So they go on a sorta date. & things were going fine. Until the girl stopped talking. Maybe it was because of insecurity. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she just didn't wanna leave him hanging. But she did anyway. The boy stopped talking too, as it takes 2 people at the least to keep a conversation. A month & a half passes by. They wave & nod in the other's direction, but it's not the same as before. The girl realizes she misses it, but she feels he had already lost interest. Until a voice in the wind tipped her off that another may be going after the boy. The girl was scared, she didn't want to lose him. But then she thought about it, & she realized that it was her fault to begin with. So she sees him again. It's still awkward. But it takes her a night's worth of rest to think about it. The girl decides to write a letter. Her final stand. The last stretch in a long & tiresome race. Did she win?
So about 30 minutes later, the boy calls.
& they begin to live in the happily ever after mindset.

The end.

Three days of straight thinking.

Oh yeah, & I made a senior do pushups. That was the highlight of my day on Friday. HAHAHA.

Youth Summer Retreat 'o9

So our theme for our Youth Summer Retreat 'o9 was Metamorphosis & about how we have to change. It was about 4 days & 3 nights, camping at Malibu Creek State Park(?). About 38 people went & we had about 7 tents. All of us were separated into 6 groups or "tribes". I was in group 6. Hahah, and we had like.. 8 people in our tent. Really bonding.

Tribes:
Lakalakanilao
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a Mahakilimahakilinu
Shika laka wuka nooka roof roof roof (?)
Kenai-Ha
Boo Lahk-lahk
Mighty Morphin' Endorphins

Here's my account of what I remember.



Tuesday, August 4: First night
Left church around 5:30
Rode in Ate Grace's car.
About 5(?) cars driving, maybe...
Ate Grace, Mirajoy, April, Veronnica, Me, Katrina, Ryan, Jesse, Kedwin
Illegally sat 4 people in a row.
We got there around 6 or 7.
Other people set up the tents.
Bathrooms about 30-40 feet away from the camp site.
Discussed the rules & the itinerary.
& what to do if bitten by a rattlesnake.
Played human foosball. Half of us didn't get to play cause it was getting dark already.
Split into tribes & discussed tribal stuff, like our tribal name, symbol, chant, etc.
Had cup ramen for dinner :)
Some mean lady next to us complained about our noise. It's not like we were like SUPER loud or anything, but she was just mean. >:(
And she was like, "I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT AT 7:30, BLAH BLAH"
Half of us were thinking why she would even go camping in the first place. -_-
Mirajoy farted. & we had to get out of the tent. hahahahahaha.
Fell asleep at around 11 or 12.



Wednesday, August 5:
Woke up at 4 in the morning from the cold.
About 57 degrees.
Couldn't go back to sleep. Listened to some asian music.
The quiet gave me enough time to think in the morning & contemplate about showers.
& look at the itinerary for the day.
Sun came out at 6. People woke up at 7.
I just.. sat outside for a while. Morning felt refreshing.
I think we had spam, rice, and scrambled egg for breakfast.
Thank you.
The boys moved all the tables over to under the tree for our main site.
Took a shower. They told us it was $0.50 for a minute of hot water when it was really $0.50 for 3 minutes for water that you can adjust to any temperature. About $0.25 per minute & a half.
I realized I could take a shower in less than 5 minutes.
Group devotional.
I think it was about listening to God.
Tribe 6: Dinah, Jose, Justin, Elijah, Me, Jared, Cherlyn
We decided on our tribe name.
It stemmed from our choir skit of how one family grows and transforms together I guess.
In the choir skit, they used the other branch of the Lacanilao family.
So our tribe name ended up being the LakaLakaNiLao.
I was the mascot. ._.
Ate Dinah looked up some tribal symbols & we made a pretty sweet emblem.
Then we had to copy the same drawing.. about 20 times on scraps of paper.
I think we were the only ones with an intricate drawing.
Yeaaaaahh.
OH! then we had our first tribal game.
Native American Knights.
Pretty much jousting, but with styrofoam axes and the point was to knock off the stuffed animal from the other person's hat.
But instead of on foot or with horses, we had to piggyback ride on another tribe member.
Interesting.
I'd like to thank Ate Dinah's athleticism for our winning the game.
Then break time.
Most of us took a hike to the lake.
It was like.. a 40 minute hike.
We almost went the wrong way.
I just dipped my feet in the lake. Nasty green water.
Interesting conversations on the way back.
Yeah.
Went back.
Don't remember what happened though..
2nd game: War O'Tug.
Pretty much Tug of War.
We won again. =D
Nasty skin peeling off the fingers. Goodness.
Collected all of the emblems of people that lost to us.

Worked on tribe shirts. Our emblem pretty much.

Ate Dinah's was the most creative.

Made our tribe shields too.

Worship. w/ guitar.
I felt exposed cause not a lot of people were singing. Oh well.
I think I took another shower.
Night shower felt soooo goooood.
Interesting conversation between Veronnica & I. ;)
Don't remember much after that..
I think we got in trouble cause we were out & didn't come back until late.
& they were looking for us.

Thursday, August 6:
Woke up at 5 from the cold.
I <3 big bang.
Looked over itinerary.
Packed bags for beach.
Not much to say.
Mmm. Rode to the beach.
NICE SAND, OMG. best sand ever. it wins.
Ran across the shore, walked through the shallow parts of the ocean.
With my clothes on. yaaaay.
tsismis. (sp?)
SAUCE-DIPPER. HAW HAW.
Rating people.. xD Compare + Contrast.
Had secret conversations.
Got pulled over cause the parking permit ran out.
Game 3: Warterloon war.
Water balloons are awesome. I fail at aiming though.
No points to anyone.
Got called out for sneaking to the showers when it was fellowshipping time.
Showered.
Group devotional.
Consistency vs. Spontaneity.
Prayer requires discipline. Or as Justin calls it, "DISCIPLEEN."
Group Tribal Ceremony rehearsals.
We just made our group chant. Cause no one really wanted to do a story.
Dinner time. GOOD FOOD.
Ahaha, we got everyone involved in a conversation about how we could get the whole church related. SO FUNNY.
& I don't have to marry anyone from CICC. Yay me =D
Just ask CrisMarc about it.
Finally, tribal ceremony.
Everyone presented their chants & skits.
We had to vote for the best at the end.
No one voted for us.
Why??
Cause I decided to be a jerk during rehearsals and suggest that we bash the other tribes.
How?
By calling out their tribe name wrong & having Elijah blowdart them down.
Oh, well. :/
Yeah, that was a mean thing to do. I'm sorry.
Lol. It was a tie between Kenai-Ha (?) & Mighty Morphin' Endorphins.
DANCE BATTLE.
Of course, Mighty Morphin had the advantage of Ate Grace on their team.
Really good dancer.
It took 2 rounds. Ate Grace's group first did like.. stuff. and then krumping.
Kenai-Ha was okay. Hahaha, CJ jumped over the fire pit thing. What in the world, boy.
Mighty Morphin's 2nd dance was pretty much the same thing, but she said to go slow-motion.
Good stuff. It was entertaining.
Their chant from earlier was stuck in my head. "Zoloft ooh ooh oooooh"
& they used pots to make a sound effect.
Then.. S'MORES!!
What's a camp without s'mores?
SO YUMMY.
Then lights out.
But then.. ugh.
Drama.
I lost whatever respect I had for someone. Whatever.
Veronnica & I moved out of the tent to Ate Grace's tent.

Friday, August 7:
Woke up wearing the tribe shirt.
Woke up at around 6 this morning.
Packed my stuff.
Almost stepped on someone's face.
Waited for people to wake up.
Saw some of the girls tying tampons to the boys' shoes and leave a pad in their tent. HAHAHA.
Had some breakfast.
Roasted hot dog & some cereal.
Took pictures.
Group pictures.
Hit by waterballoons. Dodged some.
Packed up e'erthang.
Rode back to church.
Saw some beautiful scenery.
Got 3rd place on the race to church.

God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

I guess.. I've also said I had a lot of realizations at camp.
For some reason, I have always idolized a certain person. Like how everyone, like.. well.. liked them. I sort of envied them, seeing as how my life could compare to theirs as lonely or.. well.. loveless. Hahahaha. But then, I guess.. someone said something about them. & it got me to thinking. Like, I've been very contemplative in the mornings. I've finally seen what this person was. & to hear it confirmed from another mouth, an experienced mouth. Just got me to thinking. I watched this person & finally realized what people thought. Seeing someone from another perspective changed my way of thinking almost completely. So weird.
I'm totally innocent in this type of game.
Seeing someone through the eyes of a player really gave me some insight.
I wasn't so sure. So then.. when I was eating at Costco with Hans, Nieman, & Ryan..
I guess, I wanted to confirm how they think of the situation.
It was.. well.. right.
I was astounded at how a person can just look & tell. How one person could just see through the disguise at another.
Dang, dude.
I'm amazed.

So.. yeah. I think I've said enough with that little paragraph. Might say too much.

To sum it all up, I guess... I've learned a little more from one person than I did from the bigger group of people.
I've learned a little more about self-worth & not selling yourself short.
I've learned that people can really see through your disguise, when you're putting up a front. Especially when you're.. well... (dare I say it, Veronnica?) smitten. (XD)
I mean, I wasn't. But I guess things spill through when you're totally not focused on God.
I'd like to thank that one person for teaching me such lessons without meaning to. Just seeing such displays of character has really had an impact on my old way of thinking.

Now that that's settled..
Now it's the time for METAMORPHOSIS.

The old Lauren was fooling herself when she thought of all those things, all of those insecurities.
Now is the time for self-acceptance. & truthfulness.

I feel renewed.

Thank you.

You came in and out of my life like a storm.. but I'll never forget the words you said that changed my world completely. - 080509

Church-hopping?

Take me away!
Just not to Light of the World.

I love CICC youth group.
Honestly, this retreat has been freaking bomb.
I shall blog later.

Why would I wanna go church hopping?
To cure my unnatural hunger for newbs.
Cause I grew up with everyone at CICC.
& they all remember my wemo/geek days.

No! I don't wanna switch up just yet..

But checking is good. Checking is nice. Checking is.. harmless.
Maybe an alliance or friendship would be nice to develop with people from other churches.
Good fellowship, good fellowship.

Okay, that was a random rant.

Heartsick.

I don't really want a boyfriend..
but I don't want to freaking die alone either.
Y'know?

I'm so sick of love songs.
So sick of songs about being sick about love songs.
So sick of love songs about people who are sick of love songs.

& I'm tired of filipino adults asking me if I have a "boypriend" at parties.
Cause I don't. I don't need to be reminded.

& since I don't, they ask why I don't.

Cause if I did, they'd talk about me behind my back about how I'm too young.
What in the world?

And I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately...
I just want someone to tell me the truth about myself.
People say I could get anyone I want?
Then tell me why I'm still alone.
People say that I'm too good for some people?
Then tell me.. do I really deserve to feel like this?
Tell me what's wrong with me. I'll try to fix it.
But don't give me the impression that I'm higher than some people.
Cause I'm not.
I'd rather be in a lower class with reciprocated love than be higher where it's lonely.
Am I desperate? Please say so.
In fact, please slap me.
I'd rather be slapped back to reality with the brutal & blunt truth than hear false flattery & lame rationalizations of why my love life sucks.
In fact, I've been cursed with almost the same situation over and over again.

Is it because I'm not good enough? or too good?
Is it because I dimmer in the HER presence, or shine too much?
Is it because I'm immature? or too mature?
Just be honest.

It's not that I feel desperate, it's just..
months ago, I came to the realization that the guys I like will never like me back.
& it was that official time.. months ago, that I stopped liking people in that manner completely.
Look where that's gotten me.

I don't believe in Cupid.
If I did, I'd say that he hates me.

Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me.
Didn't you achieve your desired goal?

Kay, so that's then end of my rant.
Time to forget about it.

Time to go shoe shopping.
But it would be nice to have someone to look forward to seeing.

VBS (Vacation Bible School) 'o9

Stuff happened.
Lemme give you an account of what I remember. (fun stuff)
Hah.

Day 1:
Peter follows Jesus skits/interpretation.
Fishers of men.
THE SHIP IS SINKING.
ONLY 2 PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED ON A BOAT.
& RJ'S THE DRIVER.
FIND RJ.

Day 2:
Slip & Slide?
NASTY SPLINTER IN MY SOLE. (I don't remember whether or not this was day 2.)
When I say nasty, I MEAN nasty.
Running through water, diving into a soaked mat.
Pushing people into the water.
Landing on my shoulder after a dive.
I thank God for no sustained injury & I thank band for tough physical training.
But I had fun getting soaked.
Then realizing I didn't bring a towel, just extra clothes. Hahaha. Stupid Lauren.
Sinking ship? I forget.
Left my sandals in the classroom.

Day 3:
Purple pants. :D
Duck walks.
Ate Dinah would make a really good physical trainer.
M&M throwing. Won 1st game.
Freeze tag in a small area at night.
Fun fun.
Left sandals in the classroom again.

Day 4:
COLORS.
Freeze tag.
Steal the bacon.
Owie. :(
Hannah skinned her knee cause I dived for the ball. I twisted my back baaaad. Only a few cuts on my leg.
Why am I aggressive when it comes to games & not when it comes to social stuff?
Pointless sleeping bag/potato sack game.
Left sandals in classroom again.

Day 5:
Purple v-neck from Forever 21.
Sustained cuts. Realized I only put a band-aid on one cut, out of 5.
Trivia. We lost :(
Loser team has to stand in a line without losing & winning team gets to throw water balloons.
YUMMY FOOD.
Remembered to bring sandals home from classroom.

I got closer to some of my peers. =)
Mirajoy's stares.
Josh making fun of my distracting sounds for the trivia game (UHHHH!)
Geolyn & mine's BFF day.
Reconnected with Veronnica & Roice. lolwtf.
Reminisced about last VBS.
Got motivated by the girls to go to youth camp last minute. (Hope it'll be a blast!)

YEAH.
I think that's it?
Maybe I'll edit later. lol.

6/18/09 -- Reminisce.

So today was the last day of freshmen band camp. It was horribly tedious at times, like standing still for the entire day. And I had to run cause I just HAD to be a dumbass and forget the hat inside my bag. What the heck. Anyways, music block was kinda fun. I still suck at being center. XD I gotta get back into the gaaaameee.

Anyway.. today makes me think of the first time I ever came to band. And I think.. "Wow, the freshmen are so lucky. No one's staring them down like a freak. And they're all in this program together."
It's flashback time.

So the first day I went to band camp was the second day of August band camp. Cause I auditioned late because I had NO WAY of knowing about the program because of my.. old schools. Private schools have no idea of the extracurricular programs of public schools. Bleh.
So before I even ride into the parking lot of the school, I'm pretty much having an ANXIETY ATTACK. Now, I've only experienced this feeling when a) I was infatuated with someone and could not stop thinking about it, or b) I was going to take the Troy entrance exam, which, by the way, I most likely epically failed. So this feeling pretty much bothers me and I really can't function because the middle of my hand starts to hurt and I'm like trying to stab it with something.
And Sandra remembers how I first came in..
It felt about 100 degrees. I was wearing a BLACK shirt, DENIM capris, oversized Vans shoes, and I only brought ONE water bottle, with only about 3/4 of the water left because I was so nervous, I drank some of it. -_- No sunscreen whatsoever. So I show up right? And Mr. Stone kinda just.. scares me with all of his fast talking. And then he tells me to follow him.. and I see all these strange kids with instruments just heading out to the backfield. I was a very, very shy person and I knew NO ONE.
So Mr. Stone leads me to these girls who seem very, very outgoing and intimidating to me. Jazlyn Valencia and Jennifer Williams. They kinda just drag my scared shitless self to the field and tell me to get out my flute. EVERYONE is staring at me all weird like "WTF ARE YOU." so then I meet Gloria Kim and Maggie Li, the section leaders. I had no idea what a section leader was or why I was even there to begin with. All I knew was that my dad woke me up at 12:00 noon and said, "Hey, I called Mr. Stone and he said you can go to band camp. It starts in 30 minutes. Get ready." -___-
Okay, just so everyone knows.. before I even stepped foot on Ayala's campus, I had NEVER seen a fieldshow, I had never watched a parade long enough to watch a band march, and I had NO idea what a marching band was supposed to do. I had no idea that Ayala band was freaking BAD-ASS. No one told me what to expect, and everyone that knew didn't expect me to stay. Can you say "n00b"? I think so.
So Gloria teaches me the basics while everyone else is running greens and doing warm-ups. Dress, center, dress; band horns up; attention; all that jazz.
WIMPY WIMPY WIMPY. She stared at me like I was freaking retarded with a "WHY ARE YOU HERE?" expression. And then she tries to teach me marching. "It's like rolling your feet..." I fail. I pretty much walked. D:
So then she asks me if I want to join the ensemble yet. I'm like "Ohh.. no... it's okay..." And she stays, like a Good Samaritan, and pretty much does the warm-up exercises with me. I was REALLY out of shape at the time, so I'm pretty much dying by now, by humiliation and exhaustion.
The people come back for a water break. And they stare as me as they walk by. Like I'm some sort of alien. It was a horrible feeling. So they all leave me, and Gloria lets me stay behind. So, I'm pretty much watching them do touch-and-go's back and forth and all that stuff for like.. 4 hours while sitting and trying to hide under the shade of a goal post. FAIL.
They come back because it's time to go to dinner.
Jennifer and Jazlyn really looked out for me. So they also tried to teach me how to march and do backwards. "It's like the moonwalk," Jennifer says.
Dinner time. At that point, I'm still scared shitless.
Ehh, the details of what happened throughout the rest of the day are fuzzy. Cause I really wanted to cry and go home. Music block. Maggie pulls me aside because everyone already knows how to do the 5 minute warm-up. I'm already fatigued. I absolutely failed. And my flute angle was the most obvious fail of all.
I remember a few months ago, when band season ended, Jonathan Ng told me that he REMEMBERED how HORRIBLE my flute angle was. D: And he's like.. on the other side of the arc. LOL WTH.
Anyway, back to the first day. Gloria writes down warm-up. I'm pretty much like.. struggling with "marking time", which I had no idea how or what it was until like.. day 4...
Then they like, throw the music in my face. Okay, my concert band music in Ontario Christian looked like child's play compared to even the first page of Turbine. I'm like.. spending all my freetime and RELEARNING how to play the flute. It was horrible and terrifying and I didn't play any notes until the 2nd week because I was trying to intake all the information within a day.
Kay, so I manage to survive the day without crying..
Night arc. It was alright. Except for the fact that I had no idea what pit was and their sound just surprises me. And the metronome. Yeah, believe or not, I had never practiced SUCCESSFULLY with a metronome before band camp. So all these new sights and sounds are pretty much a sensory overload. I just focused on keeping my flute up, which, by the way, kept falling. My back is pretty much aching because I had never stood up so straight for such a long period of time in my entire life.
So, night arc is over. My back hurts like crazy, I just want to go home, I'm dressed inappropriately for the weather, I have a bad sunburn, I only know a handful of people, the freshmen are more experienced than I am, and everyone thinks I'm a freak. What a great way to start, eh? So Gloria calls a short meeting. Like, pep talk and stuff. I don't really remember because I was already close to tears. Anyway, at the end, she dismisses everyone and gives me the warm-up paper and all the other stuff. I go home.. really disappointed in myself. What am I doing here? is what I remember asking myself repeatedly.
Then I go to Walmart. Which reminds me.

I WENT TO WALMART EVERY NIGHT, AFTER PRACTICE, FOR THE FIRST WEEK OF AUGUST BAND CAMP.
Let's see.. first day I came: August 12, 2008 a Tuesday.
What did I buy? XD
8/12/08 - gym shorts
8/13/08 - sun visor
8/14/08 - another gym short
8/15/08 - GIANT water jug

Oh my goodness. What a nightmare. And to think, it would start all over again the next day. I had hot-and-cold heating pad sticker things on my lower back, thighs, calves, shoulders, and triceps.

And I went to sleep, anticipating a repeat of the same nightmare the next day.

That's all I remember for the first day.
Oh, and Andy Tran (next-door neighbor + flute section) dropped by with a printout of what Gloria had for the flute section, like rules of conduct and stuff, and everyone's names and phone numbers.

Yepp. So that's my nightmare for you.

I should sleep now. Hahahaha.
Maybe I'll describe the rest of my horrific journey of growth and development later.

It's 2 in the morning and I STILL remember this. XD

revamped. for now.

whitewashedfilipino.blogspot.com

because for some reason, facebook keeps swallowing up my blogs. wth.

Need to change the pace.
Changed the blogspot look.
Theme: SHINee
Korean boy band.
I'm like.. inspired by their choreography.
Taemin is so cute.

Hope you like the background music.
"Romeo + Juliette" -- SHINee

They made a comeback.
Thanks to Tracy for updating me.

Heheh.. <3

Kay, I'm off to band camp.

Rawr. 5/16/09

I haven't blogged in a long time.. but it's okay, cause it's not like a lot of people read it or whatever. :P

So, I guess, it's been a month or so since the last time I came back on here.
I guess it's been pretty busy, homework and all, because I'm not work-oriented.

I miss dissecting pigs. I miss not doing anything in class except probing through a pig's insides and identifying everything. Blehh.

I had an eye test. I'm like.. super blind in my left eye. Oh, and they put like.. these numbing drops in my eyes. They were dilated for quite sometime. It kinda scared me. Not only was it supposed to dilate for 4-8 hours, but RIGHT AFTER that, I had to go to the park to work on a project. In the afternoon-night. And I did not bring sunglasses. They hurt like crazy, but whatever. I really cannot wait until I get my glasses.

On a sad note, I am officially a horrible friend.
I mean, seriously, what kind of friend tries to distract you from your problems by making some stupid comments on what they saw last night or gossip about the random person that passes back?
I have been SO USELESS in helping my friends cope, it's just.. wow. It kind of makes me realize how heartless I am. I seriously cannot say the right words to make someone feel better. I sound like a broken record whenever I try to help the person. I always try to weasel out of it by distracting them. Why can't I talk about it?
It's horrible.
And I don't feel like talking about this anymore.. :[
Maybe I should try hanging out with emotionless people for a while...

Oh, dear. I realize that if you're is reading this, you're probably feeling sad right now.
So let's switch to a happy note.

Band Banquet was really nice.. it made me reminisce about marching season. I miss it a lot. I miss the late night cramming because of the practices and the competitions. I miss the obligation to come back to school and spend the whole day with my friends. I miss the feeling of achieving the same goal with like.. 200 other people. I miss the booster food and the wandering around and running into other bands. I miss the crazy bus rides on the way to competitions and the hangover-like bus rides home. I miss arriving home late and just falling dead asleep on the band room floor with everyone else. I might even miss the door. A lot of memories were made behind the door, and a lot of bonds were formed with people I have never thought of I'd ever talk to.
Even though everyone may have hated us, I really don't care. They didn't understand what it meant to be a door. They didn't understand how much extra crap we had to do, just to make it look decent.
Anyways.. I'm actually pretty excited for band season. It's like an oasis after a long drought of idleness. I don't know. That's a really lame analogy or whatever. How horrible.
Thinking back, it would've been really neat to document the life of a door. Ahaha, like "Memoirs of an Ayala Door". Okay, I'm done with reminiscing.
So back to band banquet. Ahaha, I always go off on a tangent.
BAND BANQUET. Okay, maybe that will help me focus.
I LOL'ed at Sandra winning the gag awards. Congratulations~
The awards went on pretty long.. I liked the Gag Award Video thingie they made.
The food was yummy. A chocolate fountain was a good idea.
My feet hurt from dancing. I need to learn more dance moves.
SoundGarden sounds okay.. I wonder how everyone finds out about it before it's announced at Banquet...
Got my letter thingie.. it's fuzzy. ahaha.
Haha, Pocky. [Inside table jokes] He was looking mighty fine last night. I really wished I had the guts to ask him to dance. I think he left early. :(
Ahaha, since I'm not accustomed to flashing lights, the first 10 minutes of dancing felt like I was having epilepsy.
I think I wasn't really myself last night..
NO, no alcohol. Just adrenaline. Ahahaha.
That's about it...

I should make a to-do list for band season this fall.
1. Really get to know everyone (or most people) in band.
2. Cherish moments with favorite seniors (next year). Senior pullout, I realized, was not as emotional for me as it was for everyone else. I guess I really cried when Andy and Gloria came by...
3. Make friends with underclassmen so my senior pullout will be more or less remembered.
4. Don't be too shy to participate in the unity games...
5. Be crazy. It makes everything a little more fun.
6. Buy Sandra a band mom pin
7. Make friends with people from other bands. Particularly, Mission Viejo and Upland. Haaaah.
8. Pratice scales. x_x or just learn a new instrument. =_=
9. Partyboy video
10. Be wise about shift times...

Soo, that's about it for now.
Blahhhhhhhh.

I wish my friends were a bit happier.

Lately..

Just venting.

I don't know what's happening anymore.
I feel like life is just.. going out of time.
Like there's a rip, or something.

I hate projects. And most likely, I'm doing 3 video projects during spring break.
So much stupid things...
Like Ms. Rito's mathematician report.
I hate it. I hate her class. I hate math.
What the heck do we have to write a biography for math?
It's a waste of time. -_______-

Sometimes I wish I went to those schools where it's like... school for 3 months, then 1 month break.. continuously.
._.

I really can't wait for summer.
I would actually even prefer band camp than have to deal with school and homework and teachers.
Just.. sweat it out in the heat with no worry.

I really really need a vacation. :[
I'm sure that a lot of people out there have more stress than me, but I'm not exactly a very work-oriented person. -____-
And I procrastinate a lot, so that's not good.

This week has been absolutely stressful. One minute, it's like.. going really fast. Like, I feel like life is spinning... I feel incredibly happy, without any stress...
Then, like, 30 minutes later, my head is throbbing... and time seems to stand still...
Over and over again. It never seems to end...
I am fully aware that I am sick and that my nose is running. -___-

On another note, English seems to be okay.
I should start memorizing Antony's lines.
We're gonna start filming around spring break.

I wish I could skip school for a week.
But then, my grades would drop drastically.

I hate how I can't manage academic life and social life at the same time.
If I get a good grade on something really difficult, it also means I've missed out on possibly having one of the greatest days of my life.
If I'm having a fantastic day, it porbably means I'm going to fail or get a B (at the best) on an upcoming test or whatever.

Which reminds me of what I wrote in me and Sandra's notebook today, during 3rd period.

I honestly believe that Cupid hates me.

So I guess I just don't have feelings for people like that anymore. It's not because of a certain person, but it's more like...
If I ever like a guy and he starts talking to me, it's either...
a) He's interested in my friend.
b) He needs something.

Always one of the two.
So I give up. It's over.
Just wait for summer to come and revive me.

If I was Catholic, I would be a nun.

May God save my emotional soul.

I Used To Love You? Yes, No...

Sometimes I think to myself that I should confess to everyone I've ever LIKED liked or at least partially liked. Kind of like, a resolution.. for complete closure. idk. It would feel nice I guess, to not bear any more secrets or hidden regrets.

So I remember I was talking with a certain someone the other day and I asked him if he still liked that one girl. He said yes, but he's thinking about giving up. So asked him if he would ever tell her than he loved her after he's over her, after he decides if he would want to give up.

But then he said that he wouldn't. Curious, I asked him why not. He reasoned that by telling someone you used to like them, it makes them feel bad because if they feel some sort of emotion for you, then it would be like "oh, why don't you still like me?"... but then again, if they've NEVER liked you, then it would be like "Oh, ew, get away from me." He only mentioned the first quote-ish kind of, but I deducted other reactions from this type of thingg...

AND NO, if you're reading this and your name is Sandra Vargas, I would NEVER EVER tell the most recent butthole that I ever felt anything more than pity and indigestion for him.

So idk what I want anymore. I'm just anxious. I mean, telling him... them.. wouldn't do me any good, nothing satisfying would really come out of it. For all I know, I could creep him out just by saying that.

But sometimes I think.. would I really be saying this for my good or in hopes that I may be able to instill some sort of affection from him? Or am I doing this because I'm trying to convince myself that I don't feel anything for him anymore?

I don't know. But other times I think that I like people too much, too quickly, until I REALLY get to know them.
Then my mind turned to revenge for those who've actually hurt my heart. But we'll get into the details later.

Then I see his face.. even when his back is turned, I feel a sort of affection, even though we're not close, we're not AS close, or for whatever reason.
And I'm not talking about a specific person, however, a specific person made me think to write such a blog.
Well, I'm talking about the people I USED to like, in general. You know you really don't get over someone completely unless they've done something to turn that affection into hate.

Blehhh, so idk what to do now.

And.. It's 1 o'clock AM and daylights savings time.. so I just lost an hour of sleep AND it's already morning. =/

G'night.

These Days..

There's something about the weeks after 3-day weekends that just make me want to scream.
I don't know why, but I feel like I just wanna skip school..
I wake up every morning thinking "FML" and I have this internal battle between my better judgment and my sleepiness. They somehow compromise at 6:30 with grumpiness and unhappiness.
Pretty much, I'm just complaining. And I'm slightly worried for March. Just waiting for my grades to drop because of my crazy teachers.. I mean, I've been doing well so far, in comparison to last semester, but it's made me very wary as to the upcoming assignments and whether I should stay up now to do or or sacrifice my freetime on weekends.
IDK.
Well, on the hand, I found my friend, Bernard Chen, on facebook! :D
I haven't seen him since 7th grade cause he moved to Taiwan in my 8th grade year. :[
We kept in contact for a while, often on holidays.. but I lost contact with him around freshmen year and he was being a butthead and wouldn't get a myspace or check his email to give me his new email. So then last week-ish/month-ish, I got a facebook at the suggestion of my friend Hannah Bernabe (http://bananuhbee.blogspot.com/) and decided "Hey, I should see if I can find Bernard. Chances are slim though, since it's always been a hassle to look for someone with a Chinese last name in Taiwan... -_-"
And so I did. Idk. That made me somewhat happier. Hehe, he still looks so young but the last I remember, he was growing up so fast. hahahaha.
And I got in contact with Sam again. And his drama. I miss the old days.. kind of.. sort of..
Maybe just the memories, but definitely not the outlook.

Blahh, so these are just what I've been thinking for the past few days.
I've been studying, so thats why I haven't been online much.
It feels stressful cause I pretty much use the computer everyday.
NO! I don't celebrate Lent, because I am not Catholic.
And my parents and church don't practice it either. Even though they're both filipino.
So I don't think it's a Baptist holiday.
So therefore, I sacrifice nothing.
Sorry.

However, my resolution is try and get better grades to raise my GPA some.
And to NOT get a C. Hahaha.

Also, I went to the AP Information Night...
idk. I might take English 11 AP... IDK if I can handle it yet.
My parents want me to take APUSH as well and I'm just thinking "WTFNO,ICANTDOIT"
Cause my work ability is lower than average academic asian. Like, I seriously think I cannot handle it with band. Forreal.
Like thinking about all that work makes me wanna cry and my parents really want me to. .-.
And band actually means more to me than a lot of things.
And they want me to do a bunch of stuff.
-__________-
I think they overestimate me sometimes...

On the other hand, they bribed me with Guitar Hero and/or Rock Band and DDR.
D:

I should get back to work. :*
And I really should practice flute.
I REALLY don't wanna be in concert band next year. D:

Oh, and my mom wants me to take Architectural elective next year, but I have no room..
Unless I don't take Spanish 3... :o

Yes, Kevjumba.

The world really does need more interracial babies.

There's too much racism in the world. But if races are intertwined in many different combinations, you wouldn't be able to offend them as simple as other races.
You can call them mutts, sure, but if everyone was a mutt, that wouldn't be such a huge issue, now would it?

idk.

I need a new youtube comedian.

Also! What I noticed with notable [asian] youtube comedians is that they have certain similarites... (based on my old favorites: kevjumba, nigahiga, shimmycocopuffsss, etc. etc.)
1. They all have started their youtube accounts around 15 years old-ish or junior year
2. Most (if not all) happen to have old lip-synching videos, if you research far back
3. Most were not recognized or did not come to online fame until senior year-ish.
4. They're heading to college! someway or another...
5. They always have to rant about asian stereotypes, parents, or they always have to incorporate something that they despise (or love) about their background into a video.. or two.. or all (for others)

I'll think of more, but you get what I mean.

Right?

D:

Fire. LOL.

Cooking fire.
The alarm went off earlier.
My mom opened all of the doors and windows.

[Later.]
Fire truck appears at the front of our house. Like... 30 minutes later.

When the house would've burnt down already.

He's like "Are you okay, ma'am? The response system called earlier and you didn't answer."

Mom: "Well, you see, I opened the phone and they weren't there anymore. I was waiting for another call. Don't worry, it was just the stove."

"Well, alright ma'am..." blah blah blah.

The Curse

The Curse -- By Lauren Lacanilao, made in approx. 1 hour.
(Sorry, there's no breaks between paragraphs. I was too lazy.)

Once upon a time, there was a young girl. She was very plain and boring, so her parents had decided to teach her the arts. Over time, she grew to be talented, and she made very close friends. Yet, her face was still plain and her ability to communicate with big groups of people was undeveloped. She lived a simple, yet blissful lifestyle. She was blessed with a close circle of friends and artistic talent. One day, a beautiful maiden came into town and dazzled the townsfolk. Although the young, plain girl had lived in the village her entire life, she was not able to influence the town in the way that the beautiful maiden did. In a short time, all had loved the maiden and soon forgot the plain girl that had lived there for years. In secrecy, the plain girl was determined to find out how the beautiful maiden had accomplished such an effect on the townspeople. Some of the men of the town ridiculed the plain girl for wishing such nonsense. A conniving man came to town and saw that the plain girl was yearning to be loved like the maiden. He whispered sweet lies in her ear and told her that it was her beauty that inspired the love from the villagers. Determined to achieve the same level of admiration, the plain girl's heart was hardened against the maiden and she withdrew from the town, moving to the outskirts. A fairy appeared to the plain girl and asked her what changed her heart and caused her so much pain. The plain girl replied scornfully and told the fairy of her wish for beauty. The fairy was hesitant and told the plain girl of the consequence as to what the price of beauty was. However, the plain girl scoffed and demanded for her wish to be fulfilled, despite the grim consequences. Sadly, the fairy helped the plain girl dispel her physical faults and helped in her appearance. When the former plain girl returned to the town, the men that had once ridiculed her treated her nicely, and the people that had once ignored her became her friends. She was happy for a time, until she met with her close group of friends. They could not believe that she would take such measures to achieve her superficial goal, and they left her. However, the girl was not fazed. She was convinced she had made the right choice and told herself that if they were her true friends, they would be happy for her. Although she was not the fairest in the land, she had attracted the attention of many of the villagers. Time had passed and a new person stepped into her life. He was talented, influential and certainly easy on the eyes. She vyed for the attention of the newcomer, and they were soon acquaintances. However, she was inevitably heartbroken. He fell in love with a princess, and it was very evident that she was the one for him. The newcomer referred many suitors to the girl, but she was not pleased. She hid from society and reflected on the matter. She blamed the fairy. Later, the fairy appeared to the girl and morphed into an evil sorceress. The sorceress stated that the girl was the only one to blame, and she explained why. The girl was ungrateful and had wished for beauty, but only on the outside appearance. The girl realized that she had everything from the start, but was too caught up the in events that she wished without thinking. Her selfish acts downplayed the consequences of the "blessing" from the fairy. She wished for beauty, but she was not truly ready for it. She looked like a woman, but inside, she was still a child. The fairy had forewarned her, but the girl still believed that beauty was the key to love.
Her consequence was the curse of unrequited love. Her new beauty would have attracted many, but when she would turn her attention to one person and bare her soul to him, he would see the real her and would be almost instantaneously be repelled. Those who she did not love would only see her physical beauty and would only be attracted to that, or she would not be able to return their affections. If only she did not make that wish, so that her true love would see the real her, and accept her for who she is. Regrettably, the curse was irreversible, and to this day, she lives in the cycle of heartbreak that the curse created.

The end.

Moral of this story?

Figure it out yourself.

So sad, so sad.

Happy Valentines Day.. or Singles Awareness.

Hope you're having a lovely time.

Silly Bucket List

My secret wishes and goals before I kick the bucket.. REVEALED. Hahahaha. However, there are things that will remain secret unless you asked me. Haha.
It's still growing! Just as soon as I get more ideas...

1. Go on a road trip with my closest friends.
2. Defeat an asian at DDR (Impossible for me it seems...)
3. Memorize over 40 scales
4. Learn to be spontaneous
5. Be so awesome that the word "awesome" must be put in my eulogy
6. Learn to dance
7. Reach out to someone lonely
8. Audition for something worthwhile and make it
9. Go back to Europe and enjoy every minute of it
10. Try all types of Boba Milk Tea and Slush
11. Watch the Notebook
12. Find my Bernard Chen in Taiwan :(
13. Travel throughout Southeast Asia and soak up all the culture
14. Meet the Jabbawockeez
15. Go to an anime convention (even though I don't like it anymore)
16. Learn to play a marimba
17. Learn an Asian language
18. Stop someone from bad habits
19. Meet the staff of WONGFU PRODUCTIONS!!!
20. Buy something not because I needed it, but just for the sake of loving something so much.
21. Meet Quest Crew
22. Meet Supreme Soul
23. Visit Australia
24. Go paintballing
25. Get married
26. Do a collab. vid
27. Water fight at Disneyland
28. Be a Booster for Ayala BAC after college XD
29. Watch a REAL dance competition
30. Tour the Great Wall of China
31. Make a youtube vid doing weird stuff on the Wall
32. STEAL ONE OF KUYA HANS'S SHOES AND THEN DON'T TELL HIM WHERE I PUT IT.
33. Get kicked out of a store
34. Learn how to use whiteout nicely
35. Ride a unicycle

I apologize if I skipped a number. I suck at numbering things manually on the computer. D:

Hobbies?

So I've been thinking about random stuff lately and when someone asked me what my hobbies were, I just froze up.

I honestly could not think of anything to say.
Cause... what do I do everyday?
Sleep, Eat, Practice Flute, Homework, Free Time, Run on a Treadmill (occasionally)
I seriously could not figure out what to say, so my answer was pretty much:

"Uhh, I'll get back to you on the one."

So.. let's make a list of hobbies that I should start doing on the computer instead of growing fat on the computer. -______-

Ripsticking

Freehand - Glowsticking

Rollerblading

SHOOT. Now, I can't even think about what I could do. My mum is making me do dance at the Civic Center in the Spring. Like March-ish. IDK.

Ate Bic said her debut practice starts around April-ish. Might give me something to do...

Hrm...

And I haven't even finished my Bucket List for Kuya Jason's assignment. I should get back to that too. ):

Pehhhh, I'm so lazy. I don't like this at all.

I really liked Lacrosse though, but without rules.

Meh. I'll get back to this later.

Stereotypical Asian Survey. Boredom kills.

[x] Both of your paren​ts are from Asia
[ ] You were born in Asia
[ ] You use the term "​Azn"
​[x But I'm disabled at it]​You think​ DDR is cool
[Not anymore] ​You watch​ anime​
[X] You like Korea​n drama​
[ ] You have stuff​ hangi​ng on your phone
​[XXXX] Your paren​ts want you to marry​ withi​n your own race
Total:​ 4

[ ] You eat rice almos​t every​day
[ ] You drink​ lemon​ tea
[x]​You style​ your hair
[x] You have a bebo/​myspa​ce/​frien​dster
​[x] You speak​ langu​ages other​ than Engli​sh
[ ] Your paren​ts are stric​t compa​red to other​ REALL​Y asian​ paren​ts
[x] Your paren​ts have high expec​tatio​ns of you
[x I can't beleive it either.] You alway​s get A'​s/​B'​s on your real repor​t
[x] You do Chemi​stry/​Biolo​gy/​Physi​cs/​Accou​nting​
[x] ​You know your multi​plica​tion table​
[x] You play badmi​nton or table​ tenni​s
[] ​You'​ve seen the Asian​ versi​on The ring/​The grudg​e
[x] You go/​want to go to a unive​rsity​ and would​ NEVER​ consi​der an appre​ntice​ship
Total​:​ 9

[x Toyota?] You own an Asian​ car
[x] You'​re not the only child​
[ ] You'​ve gotte​n littl​e red envel​opes aroun​d Febru​ary
[x] You know the diffe​rence​ betwe​en kung fu, karat​e and tae kwon do
[x Just judged based on my past] You prefe​r asian​ guys over white​ guys (If you'​re a guy)​You prefe​r asian​ girls​ over white​ girls​
[X XD] Your mothe​r tries​ to barga​in even thoug​h the produ​ct is alrea​dy disco​unted​
[ ] You can do the rubik​s cube
[x] You have a box of noodl​es somew​here in your house​
[x] You play video​ games
​[x] Every​time you'​re going​ out your paren​ts ask you where​ you'​re going​ and what time you'​ll be home
[x MAGIC MIC] You have karao​ke at home
[x I know of them.. and apparently, Miyavi > Gackt] You know BOA/​Gazet​te/​Ayumi​ Hamas​aki/​Gackt​
[x] You'​ve been to a LAX more than 3 times​
[x I had incense in a shape of a guitar..] You have incen​se stick​s/​moth balls​ in your house​
[x] You own a gamin​g conso​le
Total​:​ 13

[x]​You play a music​al instr​ument
​[x] You don'​t wear shoes​ in your house
​[x] You can use chops​ticks​
[x] You get nothi​ng if you do well in schoo​l
[ ] Your paren​ts won'​t let you go out if you have schoo​l the next day
[x] You have asian​ songs​ on your compu​ter/​iPod
[x] You don'​t like footb​all
[x] You have a curfe​w
[x tb's are kind of cute though.. ] You know what ulzza​ng/​tb means
​[x] You know what purik​ura is
[XXXX] You like bubbl​e tea
[ ] Your paren​ts bough​t you shoes​ many sizes​ too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come
[ ] You'​ve playe​d final​ fanta​sy
[ ] You belie​ve in fortu​ne cooki​es
[x] You know what bok choy is
[x I memorized it in 7th grade] You'​ve heard​ the song "Got rice?​"
​[ ] You had a tutor​
[x] You'​ve had pocky​s/​yan yan befor​e
[x] When you seek for your mothe​r'​s permi​ssion​ she repli​es "Ask your dad"
Total: 14

Total X's so far: 40

(​Your answe​r)​ X 3 = How asian​ you are

120%?!?!?!!

Thinking back..

It's funny how people that haven't seen me for like a year or so are so surprised to see what I look like. "Oh, Lauren, you're so grown up now!" Translation: "Oh, Lauren, you're not that ugly anymore!"

Come to think of it, my 8th grade graduating picture was pretty ugly. xD

Why do I think it's funny? Cause I really don't care anymore. Closure, I think.

I remember my thoughts back to the summer after 8th grade. It was a long struggle, but I managed to complete my goals: Look better, act nicer, and try to make a lot of friends that would look out for you.

I was a weird kind of happy back then, but I was WAY unhappy with my self-image, even though I had the most accepting kind of friends in the world.

Back to the story, after I made that vow, I decided to start paying attention to what girls my age wore those days, cause I was so accustomed to uniform (Dennis) pants and collared shirts. Oh my goodness.

It took me a while to open up to that sort of style, but as time began to pass, I started smiling for real. Like.. I could actually smile in pictures without feeling stupid or embarrassed about the photograph.

One of the first moments I remember that helped me get to positive thinking was my first time at Cue, when Ate Nicole dropped by my house and picked me (which was also one of the first times my mom didn't hassle me about last-second plans to go and hang out). People's first trips to Cue don't normally lead to life-changing experiences, but I felt like there was a chance for me to change and improve myself; and to start accepting my self-image. It was actually then did I realize that I had a chance to actually try to be pretty.

So when I set out for my goal, it was the end of my "wemo" days when I would feel so alone in the world, like I had nothing. This opportunity opened my eyes.

I have more to say, but my thought hasn't fully completed in my head. Maybe another picture would bring back some of my feelings from before. IDK.

So anyway, that's it. A little part of my past for you.

I'm definitely not perfect and I hope this has changed some people's views that my life wasn't as happy as it seems to be now.

And in conclusion, it took nearly a 2 year transformation from this:

To this:

Okay, so it's not really one of my best, but still, 2 years ago, I would never have dared to make that face in public without cringing later or feeling ashamed or feeling like the whole world is going to judge me. Because who cares what the world thinks?

And I think, this is my first blog with actual meaning. Hahaha, feels pretty darn good.